Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Today, October 25, 2010

So yesterday I will admit was a good day mentally for me but today I woke up feeling blue.  Down in the dumps.  I'm not sure exactly why but know a lot of it has to do with men.  I'm still hurting from the Tim break up and well this last one with Buck has just taken a toll.  Three heartbreaks in a year.  WTF?  I haven't had that many in my lifetime.

I'm struggling because I don't understand MEN.  Both Tim and Buck came on so strong in the beginning of our relationships and then wham...smack right to the back of my head......they were able to shut their feelings off and move on.  How do people do that?  I so wish I could but I can't. 

I still don't have closure from Tim.  I really have NO idea what happened with him and I.  Looking back I can see things as to what might have led him to not care about me anymore but how in the world do you go from telling someone you love them and talking about moving in together to a few days later.....breaking up and never talking to that person again?  How????? 

I know seeing his daughter this last weekend has brought back a lot of the feelings I have buried deep inside of me back up.  I still to this day pray that my phone will ring or I'll get a text from him saying he is sorry and that he made a huge mistake but I know Tim is too proud to do anything like that plus honestly I just don't think Tim likes me anymore.  I try to stand strong and say, "Oh well his loss." but the pain is there and it hurts.  The funny thing is that I honestly think the break up with Tim hurt worst and caused more damage than the break up with my husband of 12 years.  Isn't that crazy?  Not sure why...some people say maybe it is because Tim was my rebound relationship, I honestly don't know why.  Maybe it is because I had liked Tim since HS and when we finally rekindled our relationship I had this crazy idea that it was fate and we were meant to be forever.  I will tell you though in that short period of dating him I was truly happy.  Probably the happiest I had been a long long time.  In the beginning I loved how he made me feel.  I loved what he brought out in me.  I do miss that.....and honestly miss him but as he always said, "It is what it is."  I have come to realization that you can't make people feel something they don't.  I read a quote that said if he is stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let them and that is exactly what I did.  I said my final peace to him that night and haven't contacted him since.  That is one thing I do have going for me.....I do have pride and will NOT beg someone to stay if they don't want to.  So I let him go........  Afterwards was hard...depression.  But as with my X I finally kicked myself in the ass, picked myself up, and said you are better than this Ann.  I had found my happy place again.  I was living for me and my kids and having a blast with my friends then walked in Buck.  At first I wouldn't give Buck the time of day because I was warned over and over about him.  He was still legally married and everyone warned me that he would go back to his wife if the opportunity ever presented itself.  I was guarded for months.....only taking what he gave and not giving very much of myself at all.  Then Buck and I started hanging out more and more and I was developing true feelings for the guy.  The last two weeks of our relationship were great.  We were spending a lot of time together.  Talking a lot.  We had defined our relationship and knew exactly where each other stood.  He had told me he loved me which honestly I told him I didn't want to hear.  It was too scary for me.  Buck was different...honestly probably one the most comfortable guys I had ever been around in my life.  Everything just seemed to come natural to us.  Buck went from telling me he loved me and that he hoped I was his Happy Ever After to I'm going back to my wife in a matter of 2 days.  Yep once again heart crushed and so here I am trying to heal.  I guess this one isn't as bad as the others.....not sure if it is because down deep inside I knew this would probably be the outcome or what but once again I am single.  Man I can pick the guys...let me tell you.  :o(

So today....I'm feeling really blue.  Wondering if there will ever be someone out there that will walk in and sweep me off my feet.  I believe in true love and I am so waiting for mine.

My Last Year

In Sept. of 2010 on my 41st birthday I found out that my husband of 12 years had been cheating on me with my friend/neighbor.  This marked the day where it all begun.  The last year has had many up's and down's for me.  I guess you could say I have good days and bad, good weeks and bad, and good months and bad. 

When I first found out that X was cheating on me it was horrible.  Before that point in my life I never understood how someone could take their own life but I will not lie, the thought did cross my mind a few times.  At times it felt that was my only option to heal the horrible pain I felt inside.  Of course being a mother of two beautiful children I would have never followed through but the thought was there.  It was at that time I visited my doctor for some medication to help me through that time and went to see a psycologist.  Both helped me.  It took me about 2 1/2 months to heal to the point where I could actually function again.  I had finally gotten to the point in my life where I kick myself in the ass and said snap out of it, you are better than this.

My first course of action was to move (due to X moving in with GF 3 doors down from me) then I got back my love of life and started going out with friends and spending a great deal of time with my family.  Without my friends and family not sure how I would have made it.  It was during this time that I decided that moving again to be closer to my family and true friends, you know the once you've had since HS, the ones that know you inside and out.  So I picked my kids up and moved back to my hometown.  This is probably one of the best decisions I've made.  I love being back there and having the support of my family.  Love spending more time with my HS friends.  My children have adjusted well too.

So this pretty much brings me to where I am today.  Of course there have been things during this year that I will talk about in different post but here I am.  My X and I are friends.  There was a lot of bitterness and fighting for a while but I found peace with it all and decided it was in the best interest of our daughter to be friends, put the past behind us, and move on.  That is what we have done.

I'm not expecting or even wanting people to read this blog.  This is for me....it is for me to post my thoughts and feelings from a day to day basis.  A place where I can go back to and reflect on my feelings.